February 21, 2006

• Hmmmm.............

  
  

   My Sweetie said something to me the other night that made me do some thinking and introspection.. And then this morning a really good online friend had a similar situation to mine happen to her and I found myself consoling her. In my life .. it seems I am a connector and healer of others and seem to watch them go on to bigger things .. while I am sitting here, seemingly watching.  lol  Now I cannot complain - I have a totally wonderful life.. but here it is - laid out and bare.. There are many people in my life who I have helped tremendously in their lives .. and now they are on doing tremendous things and as Mike said - Honey - when is your break coming ? I had to honestly say - I don't know .... But I am a happy person .. so does it matter ????

  
  

  Now I could sit here and lie about it and say - Oh it never bothers me - because at times it really does.. for example .. two of my ex bandmates who I worked really hard to be successful with  - are now playing in new other  bands .. one a pretty popular local band that is having their music played in some independant films .. what am I doing .. nothing musically at the moment - hell I have not even played my piano lately !.. I have looked for bands - sadly for women age Does become a factor .. even though I look young the adds say - no one over 35 please and I think - how the hell dare they discriminate against me because I am a woman of a certain age .. I can still sing rings around the youngsters.. Then I think to myself .. well who wants to work with ingrates like that .. so then I say to myself.. There must be something really good coming my way .. or that I will find  and I move on. 

  
  

   I have another friend who I helped in many ways and the last thing was I found a little blurb online that said - because shes disabled - she can qualify for half property tax .. woo hoo who would not love that.. Then I think yeah and how happy I will be when I am paying my full share and working hard to do it - after all the crap I  have been through .. then I say to myself .. its a priveledge to be able to work and contribute to society .. I am sure that my friend wishes she did not have to be so dependant on the kindness of others and she does tell me how much she appreciates all I have done for her .. all the time

  
  

  I have another friend who is accomplished in her chosen profession .. worked really hard to get where she is  .. is very talented at what she does and the last few years or so has been sliding a slippery slope into obscurity in her craft .. through decisions she has made and some illness and bad timing and bad teaching  .. and I have been there to bolster her spirits and just be an ear for her. Hopefully she is turning around now and I truly love her so much .. I have to say she does thank me all the time for listening .. I am sure have been through many lifetimes with her and will be there through thick and thin for her  

  
  

   And then of course there is the woman who wound up marrying my ex husband... All those years ago - when she came to work at my Ex's office - I was the one who convinced her to go to Al Anon meetings because she was, at the time, living with am alcoholic who drank himself into oblivion at the drop of a hat over anything... one day she brought every bit of bills and paperwork to the office in her huge handbag... I said why do you have all that with you .. she said - well If 'J'  knows we cannot pay our bills he will only drink even more... I told her - you are a middle aged woman - go to meetings, learn how to cope and take some responsibility for your life... She did .. she moved out on the crum and moved into an apt a few blocks from my home and a few years later .. My ex left me and within a year married her ....lol.. I lived with the man almost 25 years .. and as you read I am laughing.. lol...... 

  
  

  I could go on recounting the times I have helped others and it seemed that I was just left empty handed or with seemingly nothing to show for helping others .. to my Sweetie and other members of my family, I think about it and then realize it must be hard for all of them to stand by and watch. After all the last seven years have been tough. I have been in tremendous debt. Had to sell a home I loved. Struggled with my health. Moved to a tiny home where we are crowded as hell. Had an old van that was beat up and had many miles on it and kept breaking down and putting me in more debt. Had an unscrupulous Auctioneer  woman who came with excellent credentials, talk me into auctioning  my home, as opposed to selling it  and also the contents and when I refused to sell it for over a hundred thousand less than market value ... she sold my home furnishings for way under their value to pay herself for the day .. she sent me nothing .. I had to follow her to her other auctions and write letters and threaten turning her into her various Auction organizations... she finally gave my My money... but it was after everyone was shaking their head at me ! 

  
  

   Then two weeks ago I got hit in my nice new car by a woman who just took off on me - and my car is being fixed on my insurance which will no doubt go up in payments now through No fault of my own ..Not to mention I have a diabetic daughter and now her fiance who has no place else to live, is  here with us ...Best thing is that I am happily moving into a new home where I have no doubt I am going to be happy ...

  
  

  Now.. I guess at first glance it would look to most - as if I have this little black cloud hanging over my head. Or worse that I let people take tremendous advantage of me or walk all over me  .. But I just do not see it that way at all. I am so much happier at this point in my life - than I have ever been before. I do believe for the most part ( not all ) that we create much of our own lives and therefore destiny .. yet I also know that I set most of this all up before I came here this lifetime. Every single time I have helped someone else solve a problem or tackle a huge setback..

  
  

  I have learned things of major importance that helped the next person who waltzed into my life, not to mention ME !  And for those times I had someone throw something I said to help them - back in my face - and hard ..and with pointed fingers and anger - I learned never to volunteer any intuitions  anymore.. even when asked, because without realizing it - I was slowing that persons own intuitive growth !!! Even when I intuitively know someone is making huge mistakes.. I let them .. because their mistakes are their own - and how the hell else will they learn anything !!!  I no longer do 'readings' because people get addicted to someone else 'telling them what to do ' and become themselves incapacitated...

  
  

   Healing work is a different matter .. but I will only work with someone who has given up the physical vices of self abuse .. and also only with people who take responsibility for learning how to heal themselves with my love and knowledge and  help and caring guidance  .. because after all I have no power over anyone to heal them.. People heal when they decide that they deserve to heal.. and healing does not always mean a cure ....

  
  

  Everytime I have fallen I have gotten myself up - dusted myself off and started all over again.

  
  

  When I could not go on.. I myself was carried by my family who love me beyond measure and mean more than anything in the world to me..

  
  

   When I had to sell my beautiful home, the day of closing, my daughter who should have been more distraught than anyone else .. held me in her arms as I cried like a baby for all I had lost in life... I learned from HER that day and have been forever grateful...

  
  

  Whenever I see something in someone else that really bothers me - I reluctantly realize that it is a reflection of something in myself I must not be happy with. Everytime I am in a store and complete stranger runs up to me to ask me questions in childlike innocence because they have just been 'awakened' ... and everytime I meet someone of like person and mind and have a conversation each us knowing who we are and just what we are here for this lifetime .. and Mike witnesses it all  and I say to him -  Like Attracts Like - he says to me - I Knew you would say that ! lol...

  
  

  This is my life and I am happy for the most part with it....Lately though, I do find myself putting my 'busy signal' up when I am on AOL .. because after all the years of learning and helping and processing and doing .. I have realized that this time coming in - is for ME.    Sure I have responsibilities, sure I have bills to work towards paying - who doesn't .. but .. Now more than ever I cherish ALL I have learned and ALL I have become.

  
  

   I start each day with a huge smile and I never mind being alone. I no longer need to feel satisfied by helping someone else in their struggles...  It's Theirs to discover on their own - or struggle that much harder by not discovering .....

  
  

   I sit out in nature and give my gratitude to God and the Universe each and every day.

  
  

  I send prayers for all those in my family I love and for those who are in True  need - I send Reiki to those who are at a distance from me and are  ill - and realize that this is ALL I ever need do to help anyone .. 

  
  

  I pet my kitties and feel the love they give to me no matter what.

  
  

   

  
  

   I listen to the windchimes make beautiful music for my soul. I walk the shoreline and take hundreds of pictures and pick up stones and shells and driftwood that I cherish as the Universes' gifts to ME  

  
  

   I sing little songs I make up  to the birds and the cats and my doggie and My daughter and her pets .. and I am practicing for the Grandchildren that will come someday and they are all grateful...

  
  

  I realize that after all I been through ..

  
  

  I am ALL I NEED..

  
  

  and its a wonderful thing xoxooo

  
  

  

  
  

  

  • 1:34 pm
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