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Wednesday, 23 September 2009

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    Between Death and Life: Conversations with a Spirit
    By Dolores Cannon
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    A whole month

    Well my dad has been gone for a whole month now ..God I miss him so much ..we were very close and alike in so many ways. Some days are tougher than others .. some days I just break down and cry - I need to cry - it is helping me feel better.

    My mom misses him so much, she is coping well that I can see - it helps that my brother and sister in law and their children live upstairs. A few weeks back my daughter and her friend and my hubbie and I took Mom to a huge flea market upstate NY.. we had a nice day - lots of laugh - didn't really buy anything, but had a nice dinner at Red Robin ( yummm ) .. Last weekend My mom and I met the kids at a church yard sale that turned out to be an expensive sale - I love to rummage through junk  looking for that one thing I have been looking for - but it was mostly antique dealers and no bargains to be hadd. SO my mom and I went inside the thrift store and I got two blankets for class .. to throw over my guys .. they are mostly frail and get cold easily and in the winter our room is cold .. so I am collecting small blankets when I see them :) ..

    I spend my free time taking pictures, keeping up my dad's legacy - but the blue heron at the pond is elusive this year. I have gotten a lot of nice butterfly pics though .. I have some time off coming up and I just may drive around a bit and sight see .. I have not done that in a long while .. and of course take a lot of pictures, it is my passion. I have grown old for singing in a local band - they all want 'please be under 35' .. so the hell with them .. I will take my pictures and hopefully come across some musicians who appreciate someone older who can sing the crap out of songs .. that us 'old folks' like to hear

    LOLOL

    Work is Work is Work .. I am lucky to have a job - really lucky because the job market on the Island is abysmal ! I keep praying for something better to come along .. I always hold out hope you know because it is part of what keeps me going .. I love what I do .. its just the pace of it all is insane, rush rush rush .. change change change run out run out run out - feed feed feed .. change change change .. dismiss dismiss dismiss .. paperwork paperwork paperwork .. every day ...  and among that is the massive BM's and getting puked on and all the other crazy physical stuff that goes on each day ..

    and with each new month that comes .. a new piece of responsibility comes with it .. for the past year they have had us doing bus runs also .. its crazy ..

    but, as I mentioned,  I am fortunate to have a job.. so I count my blessings and I sing to the darlings I take care of and try to make their lives more fun and less mundane.. they are the sweetest people in the world and it doesn't take much for them to smile and they love us all unconditionally .. very much .. so it is rewarding... just exhausting and at this point in my life.. I can no longer see myself working in a doctors office .. or managing a business .. boring .. this suits me for now :)

    I have always thought that the people I take care of were amazing advanced souls and reading some Dolores Cannon material .. validated that knowing .. Dolores is an amazing hypnotherapist who specializes in past lives and what happens in between lives .. incredible stuff really - the real deal .. anyway - she mentioned that the souls who are waiting are very willing to take a body far less than perfect - simply because they learn so much doing it .. amazing !!

    Well I am tired and I just need to relax and maybe watch some Mad Men .. cool show - cool clothes ..

    sending love and hugs to all of you out there who still visit .. xooo c xoxoxoxo

     

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

  • Yes I Am Still Around...

    Still exploring my surroundings...

    About  month ago I wrote a nice long update here and when I went to publish it .. Poof ! gone .. so I have not gotten back here until now ..
    the stories of my demise have been greatly exaggerated .. I love that phrase and in this circumstance of not having time to write ... it really fits ! I am still around. This past year has been a tough one and I have to marvel at how calm I am taking it all.. no big meltdown, no hysteria.

    I simply ...............................AM

    I lost my dad a week ago. I miss him and I suppose that it may have not really seeped into my mind yet, but, he is gone. I don't think it should have happened the way it did. My friend and teacher says .. it was set.  I think he did not have to suffer the way he did - although he would not have it any other way.

    about 16 years ago my dad had a bypass and it lasted him a long time, he felt great and he felt like he had not felt in many years. I remember running up the 25 steps from the beach out at the lighthouse and being winded and he went like a youngster.

    Years passed and he had to have stents put in here and there and he was on Lipitor and it did it's damage and he got off of that. He had Nitroglycerin patches for pain and he rode his bike in the good weather 2 hours at a clip.

    Through the years he had the testing and the check ups and I have to say my dad was a good patient, he took whatever they gave him and did as he was told - he loved being alive and he wanted to be here for a while longer.

    A little over a month ago, still having pain- he had more testing and they realized that he would need a valve replacement and some repair on his heart. I have to be honest and tell you that I was against it .. I even said to him .. Dad don't let them talk you into anything you are not comfortable with.

    But dad always did for the most part what he wanted to do. He wanted to go through with the surgery. The day before they asked the family members to be there so they could explain the odds. the procedure etc. I had to work, which was just as well because I am sure I would have pissed everyone off when I said NO.

    However it was not up to me - it was up to my Dad and with horrible odds of 1 in 5 of him dying during surgery, he went in. He did good they said . They replaced the atrial valve and they repaired the mitral, they could not re-stent anything nor could they repair the aorta itself. They could not get into his left leg to take veins for grafts and such , My guess is that once they got him and saw how worn his heart was.. they did a patch job and replaced the main valve and closed him up . We will never know and it doesn't matter now for  my Dad he is in a good place and in no more pain

    He did well the first days post op .. then they had to go back in to put a defibrulator into his left shoulder because his heartbeat was irregular. The friday before he came home - his legs and ankles became swollen and they put him on lacex to get the fluid out. They sent him home like this.

    Saturday I went to see him at home and he was in good spirits, slow moving but to be expected for a 77 year old with a bum heart. He was telling stories and was crying with happiness and was holding court with everyone who was there.

    Sunday I went and I could see he was not right. He seemed winded and tired and I knew he was not going to make it.  He was in a good mood though he seemed 'off'

    I kissed him good bye and told him I loved him and that he was my Superman. He was smiling as I left he was very happy. He told me he had dreamt of his Aunt and Uncle, that he was with them and it was so good to see them. He said he told me about it because I understand such things....

    I went to work on Monday and had an emergency at work where I had to escort someone to the hospital so I was out of my room. I got home and found a message from my sister in law that my dad was taken to the nearby hospital - he had some sort of seizure and he was very sedated now and I could visit from 8 - 9. I sat on my bed and I thought about it . I wanted to see him, but I also knew he was going. I wanted to remember him smiling the day before that wonderful smile of his. I stayed home, the phone rang about 10;30.. he had passed.

    He visited me several days later as I slept, he said many things which I cannot remember but he also said to me .. Tell your Mother .. I Feel Fine.

    He wanted to be cremated and have no showing and not be buried because as he put it .. I don't want anyone crying over my headstone.  My mother wanted to see him one last time so we had a one hour showing. When I walked up, the man laying there looked nothing like my Dad. In a way it was a relief ....

    All is said and done and the week has passed and I took some time off of work to just settle and help mom when she needs it.

    Now my feelings. I cannot change anything, and I am not angry or bitter, but, Why did the doctors feel this was something that could be an option at this stage of the game for my dad.  He was 77 .. he was diabetic, He had been on dozens of medications through the years. They told him he was at risk for a stroke.

    He told me he wanted the surgery because he could no longer live the way he had been living tired and in pain, I totally respect that. But ... the doctor just will walk into the operating room with another cash cow waiting, having convinced whoever it is this could be the only way.

    I take tremendous issue with that. The last days of my fathers life were filled with physical pain that simply may not have really been necessary, because he was going to die anyway.....

     Why put an old man through all of that - in the chop shop of heart surgery -  that he was in.  The assembly line of repaired and patched up hearts.

    Do the surgeons ever see the Faces.. do they see the families they speak to. Do they understand that this man in front of them held my tiny feet between his huge hands when I was a baby so he could change my diaper.

     Do they understand the withered arms sticking out of that hospital gown were once the strongest arms in my world that held me in the air and swung me around in my Easter dress with my little Easter bonnet flying off my head.

    Do they see in that tired smile and wrinkled face, the most beautiful blue eyes that ever gazed upon us children and my mother so lovingly.

    Do they .. do the surgeons see that.. Do  they see past the hearts ... do they wade through the pain.     Do they truly understand what it is they are doing to those they stick the elaborate band aids on?
     
    When they are holding that  delicate and worn heart in their hands, do they feel anything at all  ? ..,

    Or does the technology of the repair work they are  doing overwhelm the very reason for doing it ?

    Is it all just black and white and yes or no .. and good or bad .. pass or fail .. life or death  ??

    So .. here I am .. I miss my dad and until I cross the veil I will know when he is around and maybe hear him and maybe even see him.. but I will not be able to hug him .. nor hold his strong hand .. or kiss his face ...

    and I keep telling myself that I wish he had not had the surgery, and not allowed them to slice him open once again and then again, only to fail him in the very end... probably sending him home with swollen legs past his knee - to make some statistic they live and sell more chop shop surgery by,  to remain a good  statistic -one that is profitable.
     

    My mom is okay, she lives with my brother and his family and has lost my dad's pension so it is going to rough going financially, but this she has accepted as well.

    When we get old, we are  at such mercies of those who run the show, and those who make the rules,. and those who collect the money.  AND the Doctors who insist they know what is best for us ...
    My mom is a simple woman though, she understands how this works and she is at peace and has no bitterness or annoyances with the doctors ... She long ago passed that rebellious torch to me and I carry it held high at all times ... and she is proud.


    SO .. it has been an interesting year.

    I still work with disabled adults and I now run the room I work in. The woman who was running it passed of cancer a while back and I am taking care of those she lovingly took care of for years.

    My daughter was with child but had a miscarriage and is struggling emotionally with it all .. and I love her so much and just want to take her in my arms and hold her for hours and take away ALL her pain.

    I lost my very best friend suddenly and the hospital had no idea what was wrong with her and why he could not get well. We were very much alike her and I .. and she was the one person who understood me and who I am .. she encouraged me in every thing I did.. and she passed and I miss her too.

    It's been a hell of a year. But I am still here and still standing. I still love being here on this beautiful earth and smelling the flowers and watching the sunsets .. I love the people I have in my life and I cherish each moment I have to spend with them.

    Knowing that it could all be gone in the blink of an eye ...

    I have no idea when I will get here again .. LOL.. but it is fine .. all is as it should be

    My love to all who find this page .. may love surround you and enfuse you with peace :) ..

    Love and Hugs Carolyn :)        



Wednesday, 26 November 2008

  • Currently
    An Honest Mistake
    By Bravery
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    Things to be Thankful For

    candleglow Happy Thanksgiving ..... to all ..

    I cannot believe it has been since August that I have been on here and had time to write. I almost logged on during the week I took off in October - but got busy doing some genealogy .. and that - as they say - was that !! Ialso got the chance to do some organization in my house - but I have much more to do !..

    Work is busy all the time and I often come home really tired.  I did get a promotion I now run the room I have been working in and I love it. There are times when if you are going to do the bulk of the work - you may as well get paid for it. I also have many ideas I want to eventually incorporate into the room. It is not easy because the people I help take care of need total care.. but I love that aspect of my work.

    I am so grateful to have been given the opportunity to work with such beautiful souls... I am humbled by their presence each and every day I interact with them and I love them so very much ...

    For the friends I have made here through the years .. I wish you ;

    Very Happy Thanksgiving..... May Much Abundance Flow Into Each of Your Lives...

    I do hope to be able to get back here and visit my friends from time time and do some writing and post pictures.. I do so miss being able to express myself here on a regular basis... but I have many things on my plate now and just so happy to have gotten here tonight !!!

    love to all xooxxoxoxoxoxo c

firewalkermorgan

VIEW MY SISTER SITES http://www.xanga.com/CreativeIndigoRamblings http://www.pathwaysoflight.com www.theministryoftransition.com

About Me

  • I am a reiki healer, Ministerial counselor, hypnosis practioner, sometime writer, Interfaith Minister, musician, singer, Course in Miracles student :), Photographer who lives, loves, and walks the shores and woods of Long Island with her baby Jenni and her love Mike and ALL the animals :)

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