I seem to get here about once a month… well it is certainly better than nothing and even in no one reads anything I write, I consider it a good exercise in stating some stuff I need to air out LOL ! 

I am feeling pretty good,  I just took a long drive for a blanket. I have a great little dollar store near me where I pick up some soft blankets to put on my couch for the pups and also to protect what is left of the material on the couch LOL .. it is well worn -we can just say it gets plenty of use ! Its a long couch with 4 mini dachshunds usually resting on it. When I want to watch television which is usually snoring with my eyes shut ( lol ) I have to carve a space out and I usually have two dog bodies on top of mine. Yes ! It can get me crazy. I made a space for myself downstairs where I can do my Miracles studies ( I am an Ordained Minister with Pathways of Light. I am studying to become a Miracles practioner. ) I need quiet and a place where the little feet cannot follow me .. and downstairs is it .. I am going to put the blow up bed down there also .. I kid you not, there are times I need a huge amount of rest. For many reasons.

I am still working at the non-profit, I work full time and it is a very physically, emotionally, and mentally stressful job. Do not get me wrong I love those I take care of and I love what I do, but we have had many cutbacks of staffing and I run from 8-2 with no break except to pee and eat lunch. I make it work because at this moment in time It is what I have to do to keep the house I bought. Renting in this area is insanely over priced, so are property taxes, but for many reasons – this is where I am for now .. but my point is I need sleep at times with no little bodies, I crave silence, I love silence.. I turn down the light and I put on my soothing music and just BE. I do not get to do that as much as I would like to. Making the space downstairs, has helped me tremendously. I plan on spending a lot of time down there .

I still miss  my old house with the beautiful healing room. There are no healing clients here anymore. No one has the money. Renting space is expensive. I do healing all day long at work. I come home and heal ME .. and I do miss that healing room . I have a smaller one here but the cats go in there . We have too many animals. You do not realize how small a small house is until you live in it for a few years and accumulate LOL .. So that too is going away. I have books I don’t look at, have outgrown, simply feel are not important to me anymore and I am donating them to the local Savers. I pray no more cats find their way here .. it is amazing how they find me ….

I no longer live in a beautiful home and it bothers me so much at times. I am one of those people who needs beauty in her life and try as I might, this is not the house so I do not consider my journey over yet. I often regret buying this house and not just staying at the cottage. It was so crowded though.. that was not happening. My daughter is out there now and with housing the way it is, she will probably always be there. 

My daughter has struggled so since the divorce, she just may never get over it. She is so damaged, I love her so much and so my best for her, but I cannot make her happy, that is something that needs to come from within. She has a lot going on that I cannot get into, she needs healing and has to learn her old way .. but there are times I miss that magical cottage and pray someday to have one again. 

I was talking to a friend the other day – she used to own a metaphysical store and also worked in a huge one on the north shore that closed. We miss it, we miss the way our lives used to be. We used to get together once a week and meditate and heal each other, we wonder where it all went It is like the new age moment has left the building out here where we live. One of my dreams has always been to have a place out here where I live to help women empower themselves.. I see so many young woman SO lost with no direction at all .. and some of them yes they did go to college and they have degrees and there are no jobs. Where I work they are asking those who apply to have a bachelors to do what is basically a direct care position … and there are no jobs – how the hell are they going to pay back student loans .. it is just one big swirl of doody. But back to a place for women. Part of me wants to do it very much because these women need guidance – they are so lost. There are places out here – but many of them are attached to religion and I would have a non-denominational one open for every women.

Then there is the part of me who is tired and just wants to be alone and perhaps artistic .. taking my pictures, creating art, selling it. Living in a cabin in the woods and sitting on the porch banging my drum or playing my flute or harmonica..alone with those I have lost who are in spirit .. surrounding me with love and support.

SO many things to ponder. I am beginning to understand my parents more and more. My dad died in 09 and my mother is alone with my brother and his family upstairs. She is alone and lonely .. but I do not think she would have it any other way. Like me when she goes to the store – strangers come up to her and tell her their life stories and she counsels in her loving and caring way and then goes home tired and again .. lonely .. it is an odd life. We miss the family we have lost and moved apart from .. life is so different now.

I also have very few friends. It can be lonely, and it is not for lack of trying. I once had so many friends and then they moved away .. I see it as Holy Spirit putting us all in the positions we are supposed to be in to hold the light for the planet. This is such a crucial time for mankind in so many ways. I know I am where I am supposed to be .. but at times I get curious and frustrated and lonely and needing comfort. It has never really worked for me. I lost my best friend suddenly  - but that was imperfect because at times it was so often about her. I find it is usually me listening to others. I suppose I am too good a listener .. and ya know I am tired of that.

These are strange days indeed !!! 

Love and Hugs xooxooxo C coxoxooxoxoxo

It has been just about a year since i have been here in any shape or form. I did come a while back to pirate some of my own pictures .. 

This being the new day of a new year – I slept on and off this morning – watching movies on Netflix on my computer -thinking .. wow I need so little, why do I have so much and wondering just how much easier life would be – if this house I am in was paid off and I was wandering and filling that lust for the need of wandering.

In one of my fits of sleep through Blade Runner ( can never seem to watch the movie .. odd !! ) I woke up terrifically happy to have seen an old friend I used to hang on this site with and blog with who has since moved on in her life. She is younger and was like a daughter to me. I love her dearly and always will. I am the type of mother who attracts daughters it seems – from different lifetimes not just ‘this’ life – but past and probably future. 

These people pass through my life in one fashion or another and then move on and here I am at the way station -sort of waiting for the next adventure to pass through. 

But this one was special, she was Kati, and she is so special. I woke up this morning happy to have seen her somewhere and waking up with ‘North Carolina’ – in my mind .. odd .. a clue- a hint – maybe ?  Whatever it is – it has left me this morning -questioning my life and wondering where the hell it is going now. 

I am so lonely…..

But somehow, my whole life I have been lonely – understanding I am so different than most and here for mind boggling reasons LOL 

I have been wishing the last few years that I was independently wealthy, free to get in my car and just go… but would I still be lonely,. Would I meet exciting people or would it just be more of the same just in a different setting.

There was a movie years back that I loved – About Schmidt- with Jack Nicholson that I just loved when it came out. It does describe my life in a way. I get up and go to work each morning and do my thing. I just take care of my responsibilities and move along, so does my other half Mike . We do have fun together – but here I am at 54 thinking .. is this it.  I really do not want to buy the farm vacuuming the kitchen floor in my 60′s before I have lived some more !!

I start off in directions and somehow never follow through. I have a beautiful child who is stopped dead in her tracks from her disease and her depression. She got married this past spring and was beautiful and the wedding was miraculous and now she is just the walking dead.

There are no words for how helpless and useless I feel to motivate her. From the get go when she was born with health issues and almost passed way back then – I understand how I have the responsibility to help her each moment. Each day that dawns I tell whoever I WANT that miracle of her wellness. Then I realize that maybe she does not want it enough for herself – for it to come .  Please Jenni … want it to come, you mean the world to me, I love you so much, I have moved heaven and earth for you – but now I want to live again More than Anything – I want YOU to live again. I have seen through your young life – such glimpses of Absolute Brilliance – Please give Living a chance again .. .. Please Please – get well … Life is too Beautiful to waste – Especially when you may be living on borrowed time. 

I am so many things, I wear so many hats, I hold people up, I send them healing… I have some passions of my own and I am tripping through them the best I can.  

Yesterday I sat and took pictures of the morning birds with my new camera… today I shall do the same – I shall drive and explore and do the same.. taking pictures is what now keeps my fire lit. I used to sing – I used to want to act and sing, now I just want to take pictures. I have fallen so deeply in love with nature, that I love every single bit of it.. I live on Long Island where it is beautiful and wonderful … Yet…..

I have felt for years the urge to leave and set up life somewhere else, but I feel it would be the same. I am not good at keeping friends, I am not good at playing the game of life. I am much like my father and his father before him – Solitude is Bliss – Nature is Bliss, sitting alone with one’s thoughts and dreams is just bliss – because who really listens anyhow ! 

I think I have spent my life learning to listen to what is in my Own Heart and perhaps this is the year – where I learn to follow my heart better. I pray all the rest of the world does .. in a good way – because if we are all happy within our own heart – the entire world is a lot happier place to be and wouldn’t that be the gift for 2012. A new beginning not an ending – simply an ending to a much more complicated way of living. 

We need to simplify – love everyone and everything and Follow our hearts – our Bliss will soon follow .. 

Happy New Year 

with much Love and Hugs and Bliss … 

Carolyn 

check out my CreativeIndigoRamblings site on xanga .. it is my sister site to this one …:) .. I’m a rambling tonight 

love to all 

xoxoo c xoxoooo

WELL HELLO !!!!

                                   While other blogs may look inviting, it is this place on the web where I have done most of my writing LOL That rhymes. SO I welcome myself back home again. My biggest hope is that I may have time here and there to write and not bore people to death with my ramblings ! 

 
                                   The winter, for me, has always been a time of hunkering down and plotting out the year and exploring my options. Have to work full time due to  non forseen financial obligations called a mortgage. When I bought this house I bought it cash. I wanted to not worry about a mortgage, but finances changed, I make nowhere near what I had projected myself making and here I am with that monthly bill …. first thoughts … CRAP!  I hate owing money .. hate hate hate it, but doing my best to embrace it all the same. 

                              I DO realize that there are many reasons why I HAVE to work. The biggest reason is because I am needed where I am. It is that simple. I am learning things that I could not learn by NOT working and I am learning volumes about it all.

                                I work with the disabled population and I have come to love it completely. I am much more of an intuitive and a healer than ever before. I spend five days a week mingling with the most magnificent souls you can imagine, one more amazing than the next. These beautiful souls have become MY teachers ! The main problem I have is that the money is so marginal, I do not know how my coworkers are existing let alone eating and paying bills. We work so hard, we give so much of ourselves, only to have piles of bills at the end of any given day. It can be discouraging to say the least. 

                                    I try to be a beacon for those who are seeking it. I am the shoulder that many lean on. I know I am a person who has a room that is a true oasis of peace and music and tranquility. It takes it’s toll on me, yet, I also know that something inside of me has allowed these circumstances to occur as a part of my earthly learning curve. It is ALL in perfect order.

                           This past week I spent the most wonderful 5 days with my Ministerial and Spiritual teacher, Lorraine. This woman has done it all and is walking talking proof that we can all benefit from some hard work and daily introspection. We may survive the financial ups and downs – knowing full well at this moment that many of us are in the same boat … barely floating and searching for an oar. But we maintain. I learn so much from her when I go and realized that I need to go ALOT more than I have been, she is an excellent teacher and she teaches by example. She sets a very impressive one  

                   Recently we have begun reading a wonderful book named ‘The Way of Mastery’ The book is the given teachings of Jeshua ben Joseph and it is published by the Shanti Christo Foundation           http://www.shantichristo.com/enter.html  ( copy and paste )    take a peek  

                       With each word I read, I feel that spirit has filled my cup. With each reading I feel empowered and healed and feel as I have many wonderful things coming my way. Jeshua ben Joseph or Jesus as he is better known, was taught by the Essenes. They imparted upon him wonderful ways of reasoning and learning and working through our daily struggles. Reading from the book you learn that they are not struggles, only circumstances you call to your awareness in order to heal something – or learn – or walk a different path – or forgive others or forgive yourself.  The site is worth a look and the book is worth every penny.

                        I also have not been doing ‘Healing work’ per se.  I no longer have the space I once had. I do miss it and I plan this year on finding a space in which to get paid for my services.  I have four noisy dogs in this house and it is tiny, and while I have a small room, they being dachsunds bark like mad – I honestly do not know what I was thinking by getting FOUR Dachshunds, but they are my heart … I am looking around for a space and I can almost see it. It is coming.

                       The other thing that is working at my awareness is doing more Ministry work, I need to make the connections and am looking at clergy robes deciding which color LOL  I feel that choosing and just getting the darned thing will be an investment in actually doing something with it. It is such a step into the unknown as I am basically a shy person with those I do not know and I am not sure I want MORE responsibility – but I am participating in my daughter’s wedding ceremony in May and I am pushing the obnoxious tummy butterflies away ……..this week I have to choose a clergy robe .. have been looking and looking and am settling on basic black – because white is out and the other colors are so ‘loud’ I will color it with some nice vestments and maybe learn how to make some  

                 Then – there remains that other nagging internal mouthpiece shouting into my ear every day is the artist inside scrabbling to get out. I am so creative, I have so many solutions for others and so many ideas for things to make I see pictures in my head and I love to create and paint and take pictures so I really do this year wish to launch a line of my creations. I have a room set aside in my home with boxes of ‘stuff’ and I have tables set up .. and today and this week I am moulding it into a workspace I have to …. I have so many needs to fulfill …..as do we all

                   I am singing again, so there is practicing to be done, although I take singing one teensy step at a time – No Expectations – No Disapointments !! I sooo love singing, but I do still after all this time get nervous and need lyrics. Perhaps I need to work with people who have no misgivings about lyrics and don’t make me nervous.. it has almost always been a painful journey – so why do I sing .. because I simply HAVE TO… so there ..

              Then there is that Astrology reading I have been trying to finish for a friend at work.. with Astrology, for me – plotting is only the tiny part, much of it comes from quiet meditation and research .. I am trying – I really am ..it is close .. soooo close LOL !!!

                  Now where to find the time for ALL of this, ahh there is the question and I will finding my answers and writing about it from time to time . In my travels, I will be taking more pictures as I have such a passion for photography. One of the things I ALSO need is a really good camera so that I can do some portraiture…. something I started years back and never got to finish… and alas I lost yet still love so much,  my beautiful model Marie Elena, who is beyond the tinsel curtain… I miss her very much … I especially miss her encouragement and her insistance that my pictures ‘speak to people’ … time will tell if indeed they do. Marie if you are out there, I need your encouragement

so there is an update that few will read, except me – and do so as gentle reminder to never stop dreaming and creating and manifesting…. 

Love to All and Beautiful Days Ahead …xoxoxoxoxo C xoxoxoxxxo

I so love nature … I stumbled across this webcam of a Hummingbird Mother and her nest, they were still eggs a few weeks back. Every year I see a hummingbird near my porch for a day or so… and its so fast I can never get a picture …
I did discover a Hummingbird sanctuary near me in Baiting Hollow .. I promised myself I would get there this year to take pictures .. its a promise I just have to keep….
enjoy the Mother Hummingbird and her nest below, its the weekend … yay ..

xooo c xoxoooo

Well I have a few days off .. I have pneumonia .. in my body’s life long fashion.. it went until it crashed and burned – due to just being in denial about being sick, thinking I could kick it with my herbals and vitamins.. and I bet I could have if I wasn’t a diabetic. This is the first serious illness I have had in many years and my first since becoming a diabetic, and it ain’t fun. My body simply is less able to fight illness off .

What makes life more difficult is I have been through my sick days at work and now have to wait for approval to see if I can use some of my vacation time. If not I have a smaller paycheck, which of course sets things back a bit, talk about pressure !! I never use my sick days for anything but being sick and I have to tell you it is not my fault I get sick, in fact where I work, many people come into the building sick.

But the wonderful thing aside from resting is I have been looking through old photos I have on my hard drives and I am also getting my little work room in order. I am trying to get all my craft supplies and all in one place. I am also going through old things that have not been used .. I can do that sitting down and when I get tired I rest.

I am hoping to get out and take some pictures out east when I have some more energy .. I thought about going out today but it’s raining – not a good idea. I promised to give myself a week before going out .. today is a week and would have been perfect – but I will have to see maybe tomorrow. I tire easy right now .. so I have to be mindful.

I also finished something I have been working on .. and I just have to figure out what to do with it

SO that is that .. I am hoping to get my picture taking spring and summer on the road as soon as I can .. I miss being out taking pictures… it is just what I need to do .. to heal my spirit !

xoxoxoxo c xooxoxooo

Hello all and who ever trips onto this page. Life is good, I still miss my dad very much, but it is getting better. I am working now and rarely have time to write or sit and pontificate LOLOL .. Life is SO different and its all in perfect order. I am going to be changing my blog into something else. No longer sharing my problems, so to speak, with the world, but instead bringing beauty and hopefully interesting information to light. It will no doubt take time but I don’t mind. I am going to begin with a blog I did a long while back that still interests me on my next visit.
Love and Hugs to Everyone out there .. Spring is coming .. thank God !!

Well my dad has been gone for a whole month now ..God I miss him so much ..we were very close and alike in so many ways. Some days are tougher than others .. some days I just break down and cry – I need to cry – it is helping me feel better.

My mom misses him so much, she is coping well that I can see – it helps that my brother and sister in law and their children live upstairs. A few weeks back my daughter and her friend and my hubbie and I took Mom to a huge flea market upstate NY.. we had a nice day – lots of laugh – didn’t really buy anything, but had a nice dinner at Red Robin ( yummm ) .. Last weekend My mom and I met the kids at a church yard sale that turned out to be an expensive sale – I love to rummage through junk  looking for that one thing I have been looking for – but it was mostly antique dealers and no bargains to be hadd. SO my mom and I went inside the thrift store and I got two blankets for class .. to throw over my guys .. they are mostly frail and get cold easily and in the winter our room is cold .. so I am collecting small blankets when I see them ..

I spend my free time taking pictures, keeping up my dad’s legacy – but the blue heron at the pond is elusive this year. I have gotten a lot of nice butterfly pics though .. I have some time off coming up and I just may drive around a bit and sight see .. I have not done that in a long while .. and of course take a lot of pictures, it is my passion. I have grown old for singing in a local band – they all want ‘please be under 35′ .. so the hell with them .. I will take my pictures and hopefully come across some musicians who appreciate someone older who can sing the crap out of songs .. that us ‘old folks’ like to hear

LOLOL

Work is Work is Work .. I am lucky to have a job – really lucky because the job market on the Island is abysmal ! I keep praying for something better to come along .. I always hold out hope you know because it is part of what keeps me going .. I love what I do .. its just the pace of it all is insane, rush rush rush .. change change change run out run out run out – feed feed feed .. change change change .. dismiss dismiss dismiss .. paperwork paperwork paperwork .. every day …  and among that is the massive BM’s and getting puked on and all the other crazy physical stuff that goes on each day ..

and with each new month that comes .. a new piece of responsibility comes with it .. for the past year they have had us doing bus runs also .. its crazy ..

but, as I mentioned,  I am fortunate to have a job.. so I count my blessings and I sing to the darlings I take care of and try to make their lives more fun and less mundane.. they are the sweetest people in the world and it doesn’t take much for them to smile and they love us all unconditionally .. very much .. so it is rewarding… just exhausting and at this point in my life.. I can no longer see myself working in a doctors office .. or managing a business .. boring .. this suits me for now

I have always thought that the people I take care of were amazing advanced souls and reading some Dolores Cannon material .. validated that knowing .. Dolores is an amazing hypnotherapist who specializes in past lives and what happens in between lives .. incredible stuff really – the real deal .. anyway – she mentioned that the souls who are waiting are very willing to take a body far less than perfect – simply because they learn so much doing it .. amazing !!

Well I am tired and I just need to relax and maybe watch some Mad Men .. cool show – cool clothes ..

sending love and hugs to all of you out there who still visit .. xooo c xoxoxoxo

I am off to work .. whee .. and I will write more later on ….