LOL .. I was years behind in my page theme .. I feel so antiquated and old LOL .. so here is the new one for now

Still exploring my surroundings…

About  month ago I wrote a nice long update here and when I went to publish it .. Poof ! gone .. so I have not gotten back here until now ..
the stories of my demise have been greatly exaggerated .. I love that phrase and in this circumstance of not having time to write … it really fits ! I am still around. This past year has been a tough one and I have to marvel at how calm I am taking it all.. no big meltdown, no hysteria.

I simply ………………………….AM

I lost my dad a week ago. I miss him and I suppose that it may have not really seeped into my mind yet, but, he is gone. I don’t think it should have happened the way it did. My friend and teacher says .. it was set.  I think he did not have to suffer the way he did – although he would not have it any other way.

about 16 years ago my dad had a bypass and it lasted him a long time, he felt great and he felt like he had not felt in many years. I remember running up the 25 steps from the beach out at the lighthouse and being winded and he went like a youngster.

Years passed and he had to have stents put in here and there and he was on Lipitor and it did it’s damage and he got off of that. He had Nitroglycerin patches for pain and he rode his bike in the good weather 2 hours at a clip.

Through the years he had the testing and the check ups and I have to say my dad was a good patient, he took whatever they gave him and did as he was told – he loved being alive and he wanted to be here for a while longer.

A little over a month ago, still having pain- he had more testing and they realized that he would need a valve replacement and some repair on his heart. I have to be honest and tell you that I was against it .. I even said to him .. Dad don’t let them talk you into anything you are not comfortable with.

But dad always did for the most part what he wanted to do. He wanted to go through with the surgery. The day before they asked the family members to be there so they could explain the odds. the procedure etc. I had to work, which was just as well because I am sure I would have pissed everyone off when I said NO.

However it was not up to me – it was up to my Dad and with horrible odds of 1 in 5 of him dying during surgery, he went in. He did good they said . They replaced the atrial valve and they repaired the mitral, they could not re-stent anything nor could they repair the aorta itself. They could not get into his left leg to take veins for grafts and such , My guess is that once they got him and saw how worn his heart was.. they did a patch job and replaced the main valve and closed him up . We will never know and it doesn’t matter now for  my Dad he is in a good place and in no more pain

He did well the first days post op .. then they had to go back in to put a defibrulator into his left shoulder because his heartbeat was irregular. The friday before he came home – his legs and ankles became swollen and they put him on lacex to get the fluid out. They sent him home like this.

Saturday I went to see him at home and he was in good spirits, slow moving but to be expected for a 77 year old with a bum heart. He was telling stories and was crying with happiness and was holding court with everyone who was there.

Sunday I went and I could see he was not right. He seemed winded and tired and I knew he was not going to make it.  He was in a good mood though he seemed ‘off’

I kissed him good bye and told him I loved him and that he was my Superman. He was smiling as I left he was very happy. He told me he had dreamt of his Aunt and Uncle, that he was with them and it was so good to see them. He said he told me about it because I understand such things….

I went to work on Monday and had an emergency at work where I had to escort someone to the hospital so I was out of my room. I got home and found a message from my sister in law that my dad was taken to the nearby hospital – he had some sort of seizure and he was very sedated now and I could visit from 8 – 9. I sat on my bed and I thought about it . I wanted to see him, but I also knew he was going. I wanted to remember him smiling the day before that wonderful smile of his. I stayed home, the phone rang about 10;30.. he had passed.

He visited me several days later as I slept, he said many things which I cannot remember but he also said to me .. Tell your Mother .. I Feel Fine.

He wanted to be cremated and have no showing and not be buried because as he put it .. I don’t want anyone crying over my headstone.  My mother wanted to see him one last time so we had a one hour showing. When I walked up, the man laying there looked nothing like my Dad. In a way it was a relief ….

All is said and done and the week has passed and I took some time off of work to just settle and help mom when she needs it.

Now my feelings. I cannot change anything, and I am not angry or bitter, but, Why did the doctors feel this was something that could be an option at this stage of the game for my dad.  He was 77 .. he was diabetic, He had been on dozens of medications through the years. They told him he was at risk for a stroke.

He told me he wanted the surgery because he could no longer live the way he had been living tired and in pain, I totally respect that. But … the doctor just will walk into the operating room with another cash cow waiting, having convinced whoever it is this could be the only way.

I take tremendous issue with that. The last days of my fathers life were filled with physical pain that simply may not have really been necessary, because he was going to die anyway…..

 Why put an old man through all of that – in the chop shop of heart surgery -  that he was in.  The assembly line of repaired and patched up hearts.

Do the surgeons ever see the Faces.. do they see the families they speak to. Do they understand that this man in front of them held my tiny feet between his huge hands when I was a baby so he could change my diaper.

 Do they understand the withered arms sticking out of that hospital gown were once the strongest arms in my world that held me in the air and swung me around in my Easter dress with my little Easter bonnet flying off my head.

Do they see in that tired smile and wrinkled face, the most beautiful blue eyes that ever gazed upon us children and my mother so lovingly.

Do they .. do the surgeons see that.. Do  they see past the hearts … do they wade through the pain.     Do they truly understand what it is they are doing to those they stick the elaborate band aids on?
 
When they are holding that  delicate and worn heart in their hands, do they feel anything at all  ? ..,

Or does the technology of the repair work they are  doing overwhelm the very reason for doing it ?

Is it all just black and white and yes or no .. and good or bad .. pass or fail .. life or death  ??

So .. here I am .. I miss my dad and until I cross the veil I will know when he is around and maybe hear him and maybe even see him.. but I will not be able to hug him .. nor hold his strong hand .. or kiss his face …

and I keep telling myself that I wish he had not had the surgery, and not allowed them to slice him open once again and then again, only to fail him in the very end… probably sending him home with swollen legs past his knee – to make some statistic they live and sell more chop shop surgery by,  to remain a good  statistic -one that is profitable.
 

My mom is okay, she lives with my brother and his family and has lost my dad’s pension so it is going to rough going financially, but this she has accepted as well.

When we get old, we are  at such mercies of those who run the show, and those who make the rules,. and those who collect the money.  AND the Doctors who insist they know what is best for us …
My mom is a simple woman though, she understands how this works and she is at peace and has no bitterness or annoyances with the doctors … She long ago passed that rebellious torch to me and I carry it held high at all times … and she is proud.

SO .. it has been an interesting year.

I still work with disabled adults and I now run the room I work in. The woman who was running it passed of cancer a while back and I am taking care of those she lovingly took care of for years.

My daughter was with child but had a miscarriage and is struggling emotionally with it all .. and I love her so much and just want to take her in my arms and hold her for hours and take away ALL her pain.

I lost my very best friend suddenly and the hospital had no idea what was wrong with her and why he could not get well. We were very much alike her and I .. and she was the one person who understood me and who I am .. she encouraged me in every thing I did.. and she passed and I miss her too.

It’s been a hell of a year. But I am still here and still standing. I still love being here on this beautiful earth and smelling the flowers and watching the sunsets .. I love the people I have in my life and I cherish each moment I have to spend with them.

Knowing that it could all be gone in the blink of an eye …

I have no idea when I will get here again .. LOL.. but it is fine .. all is as it should be

My love to all who find this page .. may love surround you and enfuse you with peace ..

Love and Hugs Carolyn