December 21, 2006

• The Pain of Divorce

  I never really write here about my divorce .. but lately something is pushing me too. I do not believe that this is something coming from within me - but something outside of me. I have been feeling there is a need for others to see that everyone has some pain in their lives and they work through it and that they should never be afraid to ask for help..

  This is undoubtedly the hardest part of the year for me .. My family is small and scattered, mostly about florida and since my Mom's generation we have lost so many and her's was the last generation that actually celebrated with other family members.. although I do have one strong memory of going into Maspeth to Aunt Tillies and throwing up in my easter bonnet LOLOL...

  When I got married I was so blessed to marry into this large and happy and warm and loving family. There were many Aunts and Uncles and many more cousins and the holidays were never spent alone with just me and my husnband and family ..although sometimes I yearned for the calm.. I have always been an empath so I have always been tired lol.  My ex and I worked hard for everything we had. I never felt that 'I had lucked out' by marrying him LOL the contrary I always felt it was a partnership and we worked at it together .. When he got his office my dad and his dad and the family pitched in and wallpapered and moved walls and put new walls up and layed down floors and moved in used furniture etc..  The business became very very successful. We were very comfortable.. I would not say totally rich .. but comfortable .

  We did it all correctly, we got the first house- paid all our bills - saved money - had a baby and for some reason I could not have more .. I was happy - he was not.. life went on. We bought a big beautiful home in a very schmancy neighborhood - but in an old fashioned way .. none of the houses looked the same , they all looked like nicely planned homes .. it was at that time a nice place to live.  We had to all outside appearances a wonderful life.  My ex became consumed with work and then started a second business and I did everything else and I mean everything else. I did it because I felt it was my 'job' to do it. I was tired a lot LOL ..and I also got sick Alot .. had several surgeries through the years. I always did the best I could . Through the illnesses gave my daughter a huge birthday party every year - and  enertained every saturday night .. Sunday was my day of rest and that included going out to dinner with my ex and my daughter - sometimes visiting my mom and then later on running an in home business and a presentation every sunday night .. which meant putting the products all over my dining room counter and displaying them .. getting snacks ready - making sure the house was clean etc..doing presentations that when people signed in ... at meetings my Ex DR .. would get all the credit .. When my daughter became sick and my eyes finally opened - I quit that deal .. for good.. I stopped getting sick and had to take care of my daughter

  I started taking alternative healing classes and learning that there are so many other avenues to good health, other than laying at and kissing the feet of medical doctors.. I instead had to kiss my own feet and learn to love myself, which meant standing up for myself and putting my foot down .. which was the beginning of the end ..............

  Sunday went from being the day of rest to a whole day of arguing with my ex in private on the front porch so my daughter could not hear it .. I never started the arguments it was always my ex.... I was no longer on his team .. I spent too much money ( hardly lol )  I didn't want to do the things he wanted to do ... blah blah blah .... all the while I had accepted WHO I was and was happy in that realization and I stood in my strength and power .. with everyone in my life .. I began to talk back .. I began to have an opinion .. I began to laugh louder and more often.. I began to be who I really am... I began to stop watching television and instead read books by the fireplace and learned to sit in silence and be happy in it ... I learned that there was no way I was going to wait hand and foot on anyone.

  Two days before my 42 birthday, My ex told me in about 30 minutes, that he was leaving me - that he still loved me but he was leaving, I was stunned - but I said..Okay ... He said are you willing to go to marriage counseling .. and we had already done that - with him leaving because he no longer needed it - I was the one who needed all the counseling ( LOL ) I told him this time - No I am not because I am not going to be doing any more changing to make anyone happy anymore... So he said okay .. I am leaving ..

  He had planned it all - he had hidden his money - he had already consulter lawyers - he had already consulter clergy - he had already told his mother because he moved back home to mommy  - within a week he came to take his clothes .. and I had to watch his daughter stand in his closet and cry for hours. Life as we both knew it was totally changed and over and transmuting into something completely different ...

  It was awful .... as Pat Benatar says - Hell is for Children ....very very sad......this is totally getting to me ..so I have to stop ..... for now .... because I am feeling this is a story that needs to be told........

  xoxoxoxxoxoxo C xooxoxxoxoxoxoo

  • 10:43 am
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