It has been just about a year since i have been here in any shape or form. I did come a while back to pirate some of my own pictures .. 

This being the new day of a new year – I slept on and off this morning – watching movies on Netflix on my computer -thinking .. wow I need so little, why do I have so much and wondering just how much easier life would be – if this house I am in was paid off and I was wandering and filling that lust for the need of wandering.

In one of my fits of sleep through Blade Runner ( can never seem to watch the movie .. odd !! ) I woke up terrifically happy to have seen an old friend I used to hang on this site with and blog with who has since moved on in her life. She is younger and was like a daughter to me. I love her dearly and always will. I am the type of mother who attracts daughters it seems – from different lifetimes not just ‘this’ life – but past and probably future. 

These people pass through my life in one fashion or another and then move on and here I am at the way station -sort of waiting for the next adventure to pass through. 

But this one was special, she was Kati, and she is so special. I woke up this morning happy to have seen her somewhere and waking up with ‘North Carolina’ – in my mind .. odd .. a clue- a hint – maybe ?  Whatever it is – it has left me this morning -questioning my life and wondering where the hell it is going now. 

I am so lonely…..

But somehow, my whole life I have been lonely – understanding I am so different than most and here for mind boggling reasons LOL 

I have been wishing the last few years that I was independently wealthy, free to get in my car and just go… but would I still be lonely,. Would I meet exciting people or would it just be more of the same just in a different setting.

There was a movie years back that I loved – About Schmidt- with Jack Nicholson that I just loved when it came out. It does describe my life in a way. I get up and go to work each morning and do my thing. I just take care of my responsibilities and move along, so does my other half Mike . We do have fun together – but here I am at 54 thinking .. is this it.  I really do not want to buy the farm vacuuming the kitchen floor in my 60′s before I have lived some more !!

I start off in directions and somehow never follow through. I have a beautiful child who is stopped dead in her tracks from her disease and her depression. She got married this past spring and was beautiful and the wedding was miraculous and now she is just the walking dead.

There are no words for how helpless and useless I feel to motivate her. From the get go when she was born with health issues and almost passed way back then – I understand how I have the responsibility to help her each moment. Each day that dawns I tell whoever I WANT that miracle of her wellness. Then I realize that maybe she does not want it enough for herself – for it to come .  Please Jenni … want it to come, you mean the world to me, I love you so much, I have moved heaven and earth for you – but now I want to live again More than Anything – I want YOU to live again. I have seen through your young life – such glimpses of Absolute Brilliance – Please give Living a chance again .. .. Please Please – get well … Life is too Beautiful to waste – Especially when you may be living on borrowed time. 

I am so many things, I wear so many hats, I hold people up, I send them healing… I have some passions of my own and I am tripping through them the best I can.  

Yesterday I sat and took pictures of the morning birds with my new camera… today I shall do the same – I shall drive and explore and do the same.. taking pictures is what now keeps my fire lit. I used to sing – I used to want to act and sing, now I just want to take pictures. I have fallen so deeply in love with nature, that I love every single bit of it.. I live on Long Island where it is beautiful and wonderful … Yet…..

I have felt for years the urge to leave and set up life somewhere else, but I feel it would be the same. I am not good at keeping friends, I am not good at playing the game of life. I am much like my father and his father before him – Solitude is Bliss – Nature is Bliss, sitting alone with one’s thoughts and dreams is just bliss – because who really listens anyhow ! 

I think I have spent my life learning to listen to what is in my Own Heart and perhaps this is the year – where I learn to follow my heart better. I pray all the rest of the world does .. in a good way – because if we are all happy within our own heart – the entire world is a lot happier place to be and wouldn’t that be the gift for 2012. A new beginning not an ending – simply an ending to a much more complicated way of living. 

We need to simplify – love everyone and everything and Follow our hearts – our Bliss will soon follow .. 

Happy New Year 

with much Love and Hugs and Bliss … 

Carolyn