LOL .. I was years behind in my page theme .. I feel so antiquated and old LOL .. so here is the new one for now

Still exploring my surroundings…

About  month ago I wrote a nice long update here and when I went to publish it .. Poof ! gone .. so I have not gotten back here until now ..
the stories of my demise have been greatly exaggerated .. I love that phrase and in this circumstance of not having time to write … it really fits ! I am still around. This past year has been a tough one and I have to marvel at how calm I am taking it all.. no big meltdown, no hysteria.

I simply ………………………….AM

I lost my dad a week ago. I miss him and I suppose that it may have not really seeped into my mind yet, but, he is gone. I don’t think it should have happened the way it did. My friend and teacher says .. it was set.  I think he did not have to suffer the way he did – although he would not have it any other way.

about 16 years ago my dad had a bypass and it lasted him a long time, he felt great and he felt like he had not felt in many years. I remember running up the 25 steps from the beach out at the lighthouse and being winded and he went like a youngster.

Years passed and he had to have stents put in here and there and he was on Lipitor and it did it’s damage and he got off of that. He had Nitroglycerin patches for pain and he rode his bike in the good weather 2 hours at a clip.

Through the years he had the testing and the check ups and I have to say my dad was a good patient, he took whatever they gave him and did as he was told – he loved being alive and he wanted to be here for a while longer.

A little over a month ago, still having pain- he had more testing and they realized that he would need a valve replacement and some repair on his heart. I have to be honest and tell you that I was against it .. I even said to him .. Dad don’t let them talk you into anything you are not comfortable with.

But dad always did for the most part what he wanted to do. He wanted to go through with the surgery. The day before they asked the family members to be there so they could explain the odds. the procedure etc. I had to work, which was just as well because I am sure I would have pissed everyone off when I said NO.

However it was not up to me – it was up to my Dad and with horrible odds of 1 in 5 of him dying during surgery, he went in. He did good they said . They replaced the atrial valve and they repaired the mitral, they could not re-stent anything nor could they repair the aorta itself. They could not get into his left leg to take veins for grafts and such , My guess is that once they got him and saw how worn his heart was.. they did a patch job and replaced the main valve and closed him up . We will never know and it doesn’t matter now for  my Dad he is in a good place and in no more pain

He did well the first days post op .. then they had to go back in to put a defibrulator into his left shoulder because his heartbeat was irregular. The friday before he came home – his legs and ankles became swollen and they put him on lacex to get the fluid out. They sent him home like this.

Saturday I went to see him at home and he was in good spirits, slow moving but to be expected for a 77 year old with a bum heart. He was telling stories and was crying with happiness and was holding court with everyone who was there.

Sunday I went and I could see he was not right. He seemed winded and tired and I knew he was not going to make it.  He was in a good mood though he seemed ‘off’

I kissed him good bye and told him I loved him and that he was my Superman. He was smiling as I left he was very happy. He told me he had dreamt of his Aunt and Uncle, that he was with them and it was so good to see them. He said he told me about it because I understand such things….

I went to work on Monday and had an emergency at work where I had to escort someone to the hospital so I was out of my room. I got home and found a message from my sister in law that my dad was taken to the nearby hospital – he had some sort of seizure and he was very sedated now and I could visit from 8 – 9. I sat on my bed and I thought about it . I wanted to see him, but I also knew he was going. I wanted to remember him smiling the day before that wonderful smile of his. I stayed home, the phone rang about 10;30.. he had passed.

He visited me several days later as I slept, he said many things which I cannot remember but he also said to me .. Tell your Mother .. I Feel Fine.

He wanted to be cremated and have no showing and not be buried because as he put it .. I don’t want anyone crying over my headstone.  My mother wanted to see him one last time so we had a one hour showing. When I walked up, the man laying there looked nothing like my Dad. In a way it was a relief ….

All is said and done and the week has passed and I took some time off of work to just settle and help mom when she needs it.

Now my feelings. I cannot change anything, and I am not angry or bitter, but, Why did the doctors feel this was something that could be an option at this stage of the game for my dad.  He was 77 .. he was diabetic, He had been on dozens of medications through the years. They told him he was at risk for a stroke.

He told me he wanted the surgery because he could no longer live the way he had been living tired and in pain, I totally respect that. But … the doctor just will walk into the operating room with another cash cow waiting, having convinced whoever it is this could be the only way.

I take tremendous issue with that. The last days of my fathers life were filled with physical pain that simply may not have really been necessary, because he was going to die anyway…..

 Why put an old man through all of that – in the chop shop of heart surgery -  that he was in.  The assembly line of repaired and patched up hearts.

Do the surgeons ever see the Faces.. do they see the families they speak to. Do they understand that this man in front of them held my tiny feet between his huge hands when I was a baby so he could change my diaper.

 Do they understand the withered arms sticking out of that hospital gown were once the strongest arms in my world that held me in the air and swung me around in my Easter dress with my little Easter bonnet flying off my head.

Do they see in that tired smile and wrinkled face, the most beautiful blue eyes that ever gazed upon us children and my mother so lovingly.

Do they .. do the surgeons see that.. Do  they see past the hearts … do they wade through the pain.     Do they truly understand what it is they are doing to those they stick the elaborate band aids on?
 
When they are holding that  delicate and worn heart in their hands, do they feel anything at all  ? ..,

Or does the technology of the repair work they are  doing overwhelm the very reason for doing it ?

Is it all just black and white and yes or no .. and good or bad .. pass or fail .. life or death  ??

So .. here I am .. I miss my dad and until I cross the veil I will know when he is around and maybe hear him and maybe even see him.. but I will not be able to hug him .. nor hold his strong hand .. or kiss his face …

and I keep telling myself that I wish he had not had the surgery, and not allowed them to slice him open once again and then again, only to fail him in the very end… probably sending him home with swollen legs past his knee – to make some statistic they live and sell more chop shop surgery by,  to remain a good  statistic -one that is profitable.
 

My mom is okay, she lives with my brother and his family and has lost my dad’s pension so it is going to rough going financially, but this she has accepted as well.

When we get old, we are  at such mercies of those who run the show, and those who make the rules,. and those who collect the money.  AND the Doctors who insist they know what is best for us …
My mom is a simple woman though, she understands how this works and she is at peace and has no bitterness or annoyances with the doctors … She long ago passed that rebellious torch to me and I carry it held high at all times … and she is proud.

SO .. it has been an interesting year.

I still work with disabled adults and I now run the room I work in. The woman who was running it passed of cancer a while back and I am taking care of those she lovingly took care of for years.

My daughter was with child but had a miscarriage and is struggling emotionally with it all .. and I love her so much and just want to take her in my arms and hold her for hours and take away ALL her pain.

I lost my very best friend suddenly and the hospital had no idea what was wrong with her and why he could not get well. We were very much alike her and I .. and she was the one person who understood me and who I am .. she encouraged me in every thing I did.. and she passed and I miss her too.

It’s been a hell of a year. But I am still here and still standing. I still love being here on this beautiful earth and smelling the flowers and watching the sunsets .. I love the people I have in my life and I cherish each moment I have to spend with them.

Knowing that it could all be gone in the blink of an eye …

I have no idea when I will get here again .. LOL.. but it is fine .. all is as it should be

My love to all who find this page .. may love surround you and enfuse you with peace ..

Love and Hugs Carolyn         

Happy Thanksgiving ….. to all ..

I cannot believe it has been since August that I have been on here and had time to write. I almost logged on during the week I took off in October – but got busy doing some genealogy .. and that – as they say – was that !! Ialso got the chance to do some organization in my house – but I have much more to do !..

Work is busy all the time and I often come home really tired.  I did get a promotion I now run the room I have been working in and I love it. There are times when if you are going to do the bulk of the work – you may as well get paid for it. I also have many ideas I want to eventually incorporate into the room. It is not easy because the people I help take care of need total care.. but I love that aspect of my work.

I am so grateful to have been given the opportunity to work with such beautiful souls… I am humbled by their presence each and every day I interact with them and I love them so very much …

For the friends I have made here through the years .. I wish you ;

Very Happy Thanksgiving….. May Much Abundance Flow Into Each of Your Lives…

I do hope to be able to get back here and visit my friends from time time and do some writing and post pictures.. I do so miss being able to express myself here on a regular basis… but I have many things on my plate now and just so happy to have gotten here tonight !!!

love to all xooxxoxoxoxoxo c

Hello All .. I have been busy at work and home and taking pictures and traveling a bit .. and a bit of looking for me LOL

Since I began working full time I have to really work at carving out the time to do the things that make up who I am .. my photos, my creating things – jewelry and such  and exploring the back roads .. not to mention keep the house sort of clean .. that one is not going so well ..

I just took two days off to visit my friend and teacher in Jersey.I wish I could have stayed longer.  I got to relax and really unplug, something I have needed to do for a year ! I have time coming in October also .. I just might get in the car with the cameras and just explore. I need to feel free again .. I so miss that time in my life !

Other than that I love my job – I love playing with my classroom of disabled adults, I only wish I made the money I deserve to make….. but sadly in this world, those of us who care for these people are way underpaid – such a shame.

Most things in this world are  out of balance and I pray that the scales begin to tip soon .. I am tired of the way it currently is … society as a whole has it’s focus on the wrong aspects of life and it’s a shame because I look at these people I care for =  who are in wheelchairs and cannot speak.

They share such love and joy and wish they could have been born with the bodies of those people who are totally wasting the ones they have.

*sigh*

I am sending love and hugs to all and hope to get here more often in the future … but If I cannot I do think of my friends here and send love to all …

xoxoxo carolyn xoxoxoxoo

 

One of the best things about me blabbing on and on .. here on this blog is that people actually come to see if I am here… Love and Hugs to ALL who have come by to say hello while I have been away settling into my latest journey. One thing I can say, since about 1995 or so my life has never been dull !

 One of my favorite things to blog about is where I live and things I have learned about and places I have seen and taken pictures of. There are places on Long Island that people do not even know about. It is my duty to set out and find those places and take pictures . I love Long Island, but there is so little of it left to nature these days. Even with this awful economy and foreclosures all around us here, new developments keep springing up all over the place. It is money madness and with gas prices the way they are headed, I do not see people any longer willing to commute as far as they have been.  Still Long Island as expensive as it is .. is a sort of paradise. I love living here, there are a few other places I might live, one being the Jersey Shore, and the Delaware Water Gap area of PA. I detest Florida, as beautiful as it is – it is so hot !

SO anyhow back to the beauty. Since moving where I have moved, when I have time I explore the back roads. During one of my exploration sessions I came upon a nature preserve I never knew existed. 350 acres of absolutely untouched wilderness 5 minutes away from my house. I drove by many times and two weeks ago was doing the same and decided .. today is the day.

I went in and it was so beautiful I spent 2 hours walking the paths. I was very careful but found ticks on me anyhow when I got out which was very dismaying because I would spend every Sunday morning there if I had the time.

It took me back to my dad telling me that his father used to go fishing at lakes in the area and I felt positive he had been there 100 years before me. I felt close to him – close to nature and just felt so peaceful in general and in total awe of how beautiful it all is.

The sad thing is that less than a mile away the town of Riverhead has approved the building of an indoor ski mountain vacation park with an indoor water park also. We have a water park and we are about 2 hours from decent skiing and 4 from good skiing. Who needs this mountain ? No one I have talked to wants the darn thing.

Building this resort so close to the Preserve will affect its well being. It saddens me because aside from the ticks… it is a wonderful place to walk and bring children so they can see what the island used to be like.

I pray that the park is never built. I pray that someone helps to just buy the land they want to put the park on and save it. The area is a major aquifer and is part of the pine barrens which are supposed to be kept untouched. What the hell is the use of designating acerage as pine barrens if you build a monster park that is going to affect it in a very negative way. Makes NO sense .. but then these things never do…

Here are some glimpses of my paradise, click on the link .. this video was created by a local man who is fighting to save the area and the lands which are so beautiful…

http://youtube.com/watch?v=wJJAkOB7Ln8

 

Happy Sunday .. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoo

 

 

LOL…. Yes I am still around. I do not really get time to write that much lately though. I usually spend my time trying to paint and do beading and read books and attempt ( ha ha ha ) to keep the mess in the house to a dull roar.

I am enjoying work, I did transfer to a building that is more of a day hab. I work with those who have severe mental and physical handicaps. I love it. the one downside is it is very physical and in the beginning my back was killing me every single day. I am getting more used to it. I still have to be very careful and I use oils and creams to help my back warm up before work and recover over night.  I am so amazed at how fast my body has acclimated to it. My biggest probem is exhaustion, I cannot deny the fact that I am over 50 now and my diabetes takes its toll also . This year my arthritis really kicked in with a vengeance.. and thank God it seems like the warm weather is here because the aches are not nearly as bad as they were during the winter. Its a no win situation, I detest sweating LOL I detest arthritic pain … which do I choose !!

I love what I do .. I am overworked and underpaid and I have stepped into the work force of so many people and am feeling their pain. All of this has been such an eye opener to me  and I learning so much about everything.

I had always been blessed with working with something I knew, so this is also different in it has been a huge lesson in learning a lot in a very small amount of time ..and also learning to be able to think on my feet faster than ever before.

It has been a huge bowl full of all types of challenges …just keeping my head above water to still be ‘ME’ has been one of the hardest things of all… but I am coping and am happy …

More to come

Happy Weekend !! xcoxooxoxoxoxo

I have simply taken some time off to grow and adjust and search and do and play and be creative etc….

While I was away I decided I was going to change the format of this page .. so I will be doing that when I have some time … I have SO Much less to say about my life LOL .. isn’t it about time !  I turned 50 this year and I am so looking forward to my golden years… still having to work .. like so many .. but happy – struggling but happy and working at being More creative ….

Love to you ALL out there whoever still comes around .. you have been on my mind !!

Love and Caring .. xoxoxoxo carolyn xooxoxxo

 Hello to all who come across my space of blabbery LOLOL… I have not had a lot of time to be online lately and it is a good thing because I have been working and happy .. very happy .. I think I found myself a niche, a place where I can be a ‘mom’ and care for a beautiful home like I used to have… cleaning satisfies something I lost when I had to sell my wonderful home, if that makes any sense at all to anyone ..

I cannot go into much detail for privacy reasons but I work with mentally challenged adults and I take care of their home and get them off to their jobs in the morning. It is a wonderfully rewarding job and I am very happy there . My biggest wish is I wish I made more money .. but have settled for a steady income that I can rely on .. which these days is a complete luxury !! I have weekends off and that is also something wonderful ..:) 

Other than that I have been busy taking pictures and taking care of my own house .. although truth be told .. its too small and we have too much crap and I just get overwhelmed and I am happy in my life ..This house is bigger than the cottage .. but people are not willing to give things up so it is annoying .. and it is also temporary until the kids get on their feet .. but for now it is really painful for me - I am not happy here in this house .. it is not what I need. How terrible of me right ? .. Well actually nope .. I am finally getting to understand what I want out of life and I dream and hope for it .. knowing full well I have been so much more fortunate than most .. but still yearning for something nicer.. 

I am still singing in my car .. the band took a break and I am not sure what is going to happen except we want to play badly .. and we have not seemed to get a break so I pray that I do get to sing some before I am too old .. in the band business the fact is no one wants an old fart aging woman to sing rock .. unless they are Stevie Nicks or Sheryl Crowe .. thems the facts LOL .. and it is okay .. I must add though that Pat Benatar is singing Better than ever .. so let’s hear it for experience and the skill that comes with getting older, that the youngsters simply have not got …

 I am taking pictures, making jewelry, crafting .. I am an artisan who needs to create .. even if it is only a few minutes a day .. and I try to fit it into every days routine .. which of course keeps me offline and you know .. that is not such a bad thing.

I still feed the feral kitties at the cottage and there is peace and happiness out there except for the one bonehead neighbor who has to bust my shoes about a shed that has been there since about 1950 .. she called the town and the town guy came and said .. its pre-existing and is on the survey.. it is legal .. I pray she lays off now .. I need the persecution from her to end .. no matter what her reasons may be .. I have never ever done anything to her .. and it makes no sense .. and I refuse to allow people to persecute me any more .. this is a new model woman here .. 

I just read a Stephen King book I ran across at a yard sale and it was a goody .. it is Rose Madder a very good, if slightly cringeworthy, at times. Believe it or not it empowers women .. and I liked it and was sorry it ended. I love reading and I am reading more lately.. there is nothing online really and nothing on the boob tube .. so I need to read …

 Hopefully I will be on more than once a month lol .. my love to all of you out there … xoxoxoxoxo c xoxoxoxoxoo

 

 

 

 

You know I travel the side winding roads to the cottage to feed the kitties and I love it out there and I love the drive .. but the people who keep littering my paradise disgust me and I wish Mother Nature could just send a flaming firebolt up their asses .The back roads are filled with wild flowers and trees and beautiful wooded patches of land ..

Now though there has been a proliferation of land for sale signs .. and commercial building .. it will soon be a shit road like Peconic blvd in Medford, and it doesn’t need to be ! 

The locals know that these roads are a back way to the north shore and so much more enjoyable than the expressway which is filled on the weekends with yuppie puppies going out east ..They are scenic and wonderful filled with the sound of birdcalls and silence in spots.. I love them, I would hate to lose them !

SO here are some examples of the crap that the local slobs leave in the woods …

 

If by some miracle of chance the people who actually left this stuff here see these pictures .. I am hoping Mother Nature sends a flock of 3000 canadian geese to take a crap on your head and your yard … you deserve it ALL of you who litter like this !

And you know this litter is mild compared to what else I have seen .. I once saw a boat on a trailer left there .. on another back road I saw a tow camper a big one just left there for weeks ..it never ceases to amaze me how people can leave crap like this behind .. and most likely because they don’t want to pay the fee at the town dump, well then put good things on Craigslist as a curb alert .. someone will take it ..geez

Contractors and Lawn Jockeys seem to be the worst .. they leave bags of cut grass and leaves.. Boxes of broken tiles and crap they pulled off of walls filled with nails and sawdust and God knows what else .. it is really disgusting

Now there are some beautiful places along the way .. and I always focus on those .. it makes my heart sing .. but for some reason I knew I had to put these pictures up here today ..my personal shame shame shame on people who dump garbage in the woods you know who you are !

SO now for some beauty ! xoxoxoo c xoxoxxoxoxo

 

 

Well I am done with most of the training at work .. it has been a whirlwind .. but a good one … I am enjoying everything I have learned and it was good to exercise my poor brain again .. it has been a long while since I had to engage in any left brain thinking LOL ..

I got my AMAP certification which means I can dispense medications. I got my CPR certification and also SCIP .. I am working with mentally retarded adults . So far I love it .. I love them .. they are such special wonderful people.

The company, lol, which shall remain nameless.. is a good one.  They are one of the bigger companies on the island and so far I like the way they do things. I had worked for a big corporation before years back, so I know how a good one is run. I feel this company is run very well and are professional and the people they have in charge of training do a good thorough job. I have gotten to know the staff that will be in my house and they a nice group of women and friendly and we all get along well.

So I have today off and begin in a house next week, I am really looking forward to it .. It’s a cool job

Otherwise I am feeling SO Much better physically. I have lost weight .. the puffiness is gone, my ankles have gone down -although my left one will never be the same !!.. I am no longer out of breath. My muscles no longer hurt. The knee pain is gone.  I don’t feel like I am dying anymore. I do not need naps as much.  I am concerned that my heart didn’t suffer any damage. But overall , I feel like I have joined the living again …

Love to all and I will keep you posted … xoxoxo c xoxoox